By Brenda Della Casa
One of the best parts of life is walking through it with a great friend. There’s something almost magical about spending a day experiencing belly laughs with someone who ‘gets’ and accepts you, fatal flaws and all. But what about those relationships that feel forced or imbalanced, or worse, stressful and toxic? Those people who ignite anxious tummy tumbles when their names show up in your WhatsApp because, for whatever reason, you don’t want to respond.
Though we tell ourselves that we need to be ‘polite’ and engage every text that pops up on our phones, the reality is that we all have different values and expectations, and quite frankly, not everyone is meant to be our friend. Still, let’s face it; even when we know deep down that disengaging is the right thing to do, we often refuse to make a move. Sometimes this is because we aren’t sure how to do it without hurting someone’s feelings and other times, we fear suffering some kind of social backlash from mutual parties.
According to experts, the common reason for this hesitancy is the guilt associated with setting boundaries. Relationship Therapist Jennine Estes, MFT, explains, “Many of us hesitate to end relationships because we fear we might be overreacting or coming off as ‘mean.’” This uncertainty arises in situations where someone may be perfectly nice but not a perfect match for you, or when dealing with someone skilled at manipulating their behavior. Estes adds, “With a healthy person, pulling back might induce some discomfort, but they will generally respect your decision. However, dealing with a highly manipulative person, like a narcissist, can lead to ‘love-bombing’ as soon as they sense you pulling away. This can leave you feeling confused and questioning your initial assessment.”
While no one can tell you who you should and shouldn’t have in your life, we have put together a list of 19 traits that we feel are good reasons to consider walking away.
You can’t trust them. Look, we all throw in a fit every now and then (cough: blaming late trains, Zoom fails) but there is a big difference between downplaying the stain on your friend’s dress and fabricating entire narratives about yourself, or worse, someone else. Trust is the cornerstone of healthy relationships and people bond through vulnerability and intimacy. If you can’t count on the person to be who they say they are and follow through on their promises, what’s the point of having them in your life?
They make you feel bad about yourself. Whether it’s a friend who constantly makes backhanded compliments, the pal who only wants to talk to you when no one ‘cooler’ is around, or the relative who refuses to stop reminding you of past mistakes, hanging out with people who devalue you not only feels terrible, it’s bad for your health. According to a 2016 study from the University of Michigan, “stress and [negative] relationship quality directly affects the cardiovascular system.” Supporting this, research from the British Civil Service indicates a 34% increase in the risk of developing heart problems due to ‘adverse’ personal relationships, even after considering factors like weight and social support. Simply put: if someone is consistently dampening your mood and elevating your cortisol levels, it’s time to bid them farewell.
They don’t acknowledge invitations, cancel at the last minute or worse, just don’t show up. When someone asks you to join them in celebrating a milestone or offers to host you at a special event, they are telling you that you matter to them. The least you can do is give them the respect to graciously acknowledge their kind gesture and give them a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in a reasonable amount of time. Opting for silence as a way of declining is both cowardly and childish, while last-minute cancellations accompanied by lame excuses are inexcusably rude. . Give a big thumbs-down to that energy — and their spot to someone else who will appreciate the opportunity to celebrate with you.
They’re social climbers. Ah, the social climbers – those experts in love bombing and using people for their own agenda. It’s almost embarrassing witnessing them in action. The over-the-top affection followed by a sudden shift to disinterest can be downright exhausting for the rest of us trying to navigate genuine connections. Watching them upload photos with your “more connected” friends is like having a backstage pass to their theatrical performance, and trust me, the drama isn’t worth the front-row seat.
That friend you’ve outgrown. while we champion lifelong friendships, there’s wisdom in Helen Gurley Brown’s analogy of clinging to old friends akin to hoarding outdated clothes. A friendship doesn’t need a lifetime warranty to be meaningful, and if you no longer have things in common or it feels forced, you’re not doing anyone any favors by pushing yourself to engage. More likely, you’re creating discomfort for both parties because, let’s face it, energy doesn’t lie. Being upfront about fact that you’re not feeling the friendship may feel harsh initially, but much like giving clarity and closure in dating, it is the right thing to do.
The people in your past who hate on you for bettering yourself. Muhammad Ali was onto something when he said, ‘The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.’ The whole point of life is to experience it, to grow, learn, develop and evolve. While some people may challenge your desire to level up, you don’t need to apologize for it or explain your reasoning for wanting to become a better version of yourself, and frankly, asking you to is weird.
The ex you stay in contact with who is no good for you. We are not saying that exes can’t be friends, but there’s a big difference between maintaining a real friendship and staying connected to someone who brought toxicity and drama into your life. If you find yourself responding to messages or maintaining a social media connection out of a sense of obligation to be the ‘good person’ or with the hope that they’ll miraculously become a better one, it’s time to hit that unfollow button online—and in real life too.
The ‘friend’ who is just f%cking hard work. You know the ones I am talking about. The ones who never give you the benefit of the doubt, demand your undivided attention at all times, compete with your other relationships, and/or turn everything into a drama. Life is complex and friendships should serve as a haven. If you’re stressing out every time you get a text or are scared to share some good news, it may be time to reassess how ‘friendly’ the relationship actually is.
It’s all about them. Genuine connections thrive on reciprocity where both parties have space to share and listen. If every conversation turns into a stream of self-centered updates, it might be time to unsubscribe.
Anyone who abuses you in any way. This is non-negotiable under all circumstances, and no, they will not change.
The in-law who never quite welcomes you into the family. While it would be nice to be embraced as a fully integrated family member from the start, the reality is that bonds of any kind take time and some may never form at all. The key to success in this situation is to be respectful and kind, but to steer clear from personalising their disengagement or launching a campaign for their validation as both of these reactions will only throw you further on your back foot. Finally,remember that being related to someone—whether by marriage, blood, or any other means—doesn’t automatically make you family. It’s the love you share that truly defines your familial connection
Toxic family members. Saying it loud for the people in the back: Just because you share someone’s DNA doesn’t mean you need to spend your life at their mercy. You are here on this earth to have a life experience that belongs to you and there’s no real honour in wasting your precious moments allowing yourself to be disrespected out of some misguided sense of obligation.
People who lack empathy. When you can’t find basic compassion in a relationship, it makes life hard. Too hard.
‘Bird in hand’ relationships. Staying in relationships with people because you don’t want to be alone isn’t fair to anyone and it denies both parties the opportunity to find someone they can be truly happy with. Instead of selling yourself short, make the tough decision to let go of ‘convenience’ in order to create room for a genuine connection.
The mate who makes you do all of the work. Whether it’s their life circumstances or their feelings about you, if you are initiating contact more than 60% of the time, they are simply not as invested in your relationship as you are.
People who are rude (to you or waiters). Grown-ups worth knowing are those who can use their words in a way that gets their point across without coming across like a bully.
Those dating app pen pals you never meet up with. We hate to break the news to you but MikeLDN44 is probably married.
The person you just don’t click with. You’re both great, but not so great together. Some people don’t vibe and that’s OK>
Anyone you just don’t want in your life. Period
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