By Brenda Della Casa
We often hear how important it is to value ourselves, but in a world full of filtered images, double-standards, disrespectful dates and messaging that consistently points out all of the things we need to “fix”, the pursuit of self-worth can sometimes feel like a daunting task, often seeming more an abstract concept than something we all can achieve. But experts say that, while learning to value yourself may admittedly take work, it’s not a lofty ideal but a tangible, practical journey that begins with small, actionable steps you can begin taking today.
“Learning to love yourself is just that — learning. As with anything else, the more you do it, the better you become,” says Jeanine Estes, MFT and co-author of Help for High-Conflict Couples: Using Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Science of Attachment to Build Lasting Connection (due in 2024). In her practice, she focuses on a mix of self awareness and compassion, underscoring that the journey of self-worth requires a daily practice of acceptance, even when one is not entirely happy with themselves. “No one gets to a point where they are one-hundred percent happy with themselves, one-hundred percent of the time. The goal is to get to a place where you know that you have a right to take up space, make mistakes, learn and grow, and that a bad day or decision is separate from your identity,” she says.
What is self-worth?
Put simply, self worth is an intrinsic belief that you’re inherently valuable, regardless of who you are, where you come from or what you have or haven’t achieved; that you deserve love and respect without caveats. Different from self-esteem which can often fluctuate based on external factors, self-worth runs deeper, and outside of extreme situations, it is less impacted by outside influences.
Why is self-worth important?
Valuing yourself is more than a nicety, it’s a crucial life skill that anchors you into a space of self-compassion and balance. This can not only help you move through difficult situations with greater ease, but it also serves as a fantastic repellant against boundary pushers, love bombers and toxic frenemies who don’t have your best interests at heart. When you have a strong sense of self worth, you’re able to create a space where you can exist peacefully without harsh self-judgement or pernicious comparisons. You’re also able to make better decisions about who and what is truly worth your energy and time.
Want to learn how to implement more self worth into your own life? Here are eleven powerful lessons from women with high self worth to help you get started.
They cultivate a great relationship — with themselves.
As Estes mentioned earlier, everyone has “off” days, deals with an inner critic and feels insecure from time-to-time, but but women with high self worth choose to comfort, console and believe in themselves the way they would a good friend. Instead of beating themselves up for saying the wrong thing, ignoring their intuition or convincing themselves they aren’t deserving of what they want, they trust themselves, acknowledge their strengths and remind themselves that they’re easy to bet on.
They don’t place their happiness on hold.
While they know it’s nice to share their time, love and interests with others, women with high self-worth know their happiness starts with them. Instead of placing their lives on hold until they find a partner (or a friend with space in their schedule), they get out and live their lives. You’ll see them reading a book on a solo picnic in a park, enjoying a beloved cocktail at their favorite bar and booking a table for one at the new restaurant they have been dying to try. These women learned not to wait for others a long time ago which is why there they savour the experience — with or without a plus one.
They don’t chase anyone.
Though it might not seem fair when their kindness, invitations and texts aren’t reciprocated, women with high self worth understand that not everyone is meant to be their friend, partner or family member. Instead of campaigning for likes or allowing themselves to become fixated on ‘winning’ someone over, they allow relationships to unfold organically, confident in what they bring to the table. If someone isn’t feeling a connection, they allow them to disengage the same way they like to when someone isn’t passing their own vibe check. Finally, they refuse to allow disinterest to rock their self-confidence, reminding themselves that Dita Von Teese was onto something when she proclaimed, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world but there will always be someone who hates peaches.”
They invest in themselves.
Instead of lamenting about what they should have done in the past, refusing to change with the times or convincing themselves ‘it’s too late’, women with high self worth continuously look for for new ways to flourish. Whether it’s signing up for a masterclass, enrolling in a certification program, prioritizing wellness and/or find a qualified therapist to them you let go of thoughts and habits that are holding them back, these women are committed to levelling up and moving forward. They know their future happiness depends on the choices they make today, and they are eager to get going.
They see transparency as a strength.
Saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’? Smiling when you want to set a boundary? Sure, they could to these things again, but at what cost? Though they might worry about coming off ‘rude’ or shy away from conflict, these women know that it is much kinder to provide clear communication and address situations head-on than to leave someone on read or pretend they are ok with something you’re not. On the flip side, they appreciate it when people in their lives let them know how they truly think and feel — as long as it’s said respectfully, they know that being open and honest is a great way to build a better bond.
They don’t waste their time being jealous.
While it’s perfectly normal to feel a tinge of meloncholy when someone achieves something they ache to have, these women quickly remind themselves there is plenty to go around and someone else’s achievement doesn’t have anything to do with them. This is why they will happily cheer on others and see their achievement as proof what they want to achieve can be done.
They accept compliments graciously.
How many times have you received a compliment only to respond with a negative comment? Instead of deflecting and redirecting kind words, these women have learned to appreciate when their efforts are being seen and accept compliments with the grace they have been given.
Disrespect is a dealbreaker
There are a number of things that can fall into this category and women with high self worth have crossed a line through it all. When someone disrespected them, they are quick to call it out and take note. They may forgive you once, once, but they don’t forget, and they don’t give third chances.
They are passionate about self-advocacy.
Though it isn’t always easy to share your wants and needs with partners, friends and employers, these ladies have learned that the only person who can effectively speak up for them is them.
They don’t shy away from making hard decisions.
Whether it’s choosing a path that doesn’t align with someone else’s narrative, ending a relationship that has run its course or walking away from a long-term friendship that has turned toxic, women with high self worth know the ability to make tough decisions is an important life skill and will choose short term pain for long-term happiness without apology.
They protect their peace at all costs
While most people can understand the appeal of a juicy piece of gossip and the excitement of an on-again/off-again love affair, there is nothing more satisfying than living a harmonious life with plenty of space for clear thinking. Instead of allowing daily dramas to throw them into a tailspin or engaging in situations that leave them feeling drained, they disengage and use their values as a compass and their boundaries to keep themselves feeling steady and calm.
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